Everybody wants to be my enemy*
I recently became aware that I have experienced episodes of minor depression throughout my life. I never thought that I would have depression, because I considered myself normal. Even then, I would have moments where I get into a destructive train of thought that is bulldozing everything. With those moments, I’ve had zero motivation to do anything but to remain angry and not trust anyone. All I would think about is the unfairness that is dealt to me and I would want things would be made right again.
Since I was teased as a kid, I would think how could the bullying stop? I couldn’t fight back and defend myself, because retaliating didn’t seem like the right thing to do. I just wanted to be a good kid, so I determined that a good kid would just ignore the bullying and not feel hurt. Something that is potentially unfair has no opportunity to become unfair if I just ignore the bullying and my emotions.
Little did I know that unfair circumstances would be common throughout life. I would experience minor depression again and again when unfair things appeared. So I started to defend myself. All I ever wanted was to have a good time, but this person had to insult me for some reason. In few of these occasions, I wouldn’t defend myself. Because a good kid doesn’t fight back. Instead, I would stew those words around, and I might even believe those words. But stewing those words was poison, and it would injure my mental health. And to add further poison to poisoning I would be angry.
So I have started individual therapy. With the help of my therapist, I have found benefit by finding qualities and characteristics that I like about myself. I think there is a good reason to seek these things out. One becomes more comfortable with oneself, and I could also defend myself. But here is the catch. I don’t need to defend myself to anyone, I just need to defend myself to me. So I keep these attributes internal and I treasure these things. I might even build them up more.
Am I mad that I didn’t defend myself or didn’t accept life for what it really is? Yeah, but I can’t be mad for long about it. One of the best constants of life is the way to learn. I can learn that life does suck, but that doesn’t mean I have to succumb to external forces. I can stand strong in the things that I know, because that is the thing I definitely have control over.
Now I still probably won’t fight back if I’m insulted. I’ll just be sure to defend myself to myself, so that I know what I am worth.
- Lyrics from Enemy by Imagine Dragons