I was driving a 16 foot moving truck across the northern Arizonan country side. The 16 foot truck wasn’t even 1/16 full. And yet, as I drove I felt like something was wrong. What was it?
I was fresh out of college and heading towards a new career and life in Texas. That was not the problem. I was driving alone for a two day trip. That wasn’t it either. What was wrong?
Eventually, I realized the problem. I’m not sure if I can accurately describe what I was feeling, but the bit that I do know is that I was afraid. I had felt fear and helplessness so many times before, so I knew what it felt like. But why was I afraid and helpless? I knew why I was afaid. I just didn’t want to go there. But I had to so that I could explain to me why I was afraid.
My mother had died just a month before. That was a moment where all life expectations just got shattered, and I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t planned for it. What I did plan for was moving to Texas. So I latched on to that idea. It was a stable consistent idea.
But that idea wasn’t helping me. I was still afraid. Something nagged at my spirit. I couldn’t expect a simple moving plan to help me out from the real problem.
Then the thought came. I wanted to run a way from home. The fear was me not wanting to interact with family members after a tragic event.
The more I thought about it, that I wanted to run away to Texas, the more it made sense. I didn’t want to be around. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to demonstrate maturity and responsibility.
But I couldn’t ignore what my family was going through. They were going through the same thing I did. We could have recovered together. But I didn’t want to do that. I left for Texas. I focused more on building my career life.
About a year of living in Texas, I started getting the thought that I should return back to the west. That thought also said that I needed to put more emphasis on all my family members to my best ability. I could visit them or call them. I can welcome them and talk with them.
This thought of returning to the west grew and grew. I knew I had to return. But when and how was the question. I would have to quit my job and get a new one. I was fine with that idea, because I disliked the job. I even turned to mindfullness meditation because of the job, which I am grateful for finding meditation.
Eventually, I got a phone call. It was for a new job. I had completely forgotten that I applied to this job. I said yeah, let’s go with the application process. Luckily, I did end up getting a job in Utah. My prompting to return was happening.
Now, I have been living in Utah for about a year and a half now, and I feel like this has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The job has given me great career experiences. I am active with friends. And most importantly, I am closer to my family. I am closer to support them. I may have ran away, but I returned to be present with my family.